The Worst Whale Watch

Travel dates: June 8-15, 2018

I’ve been trying to think of a moment–a beat, a vignette–to perfectly encapsulate the surreal hell that was our Cape Cod whale watch. Maybe the time when the increasingly nervous sounding naturalist whose job it was to tell us about both whales and safety over the loudspeaker finally gave up on any pretense of calm and just barked, “EVERYONE SIT DOWN!” at us. Maybe the group of miserable middle aged Amish women huddled together in the cabin with their seasickness bags. Maybe when Dave and kids watched a frantic crew member grab a life preserver and run to the back of the boat. Maybe the moment when they finally announced we were turning around and going back and the whole boat cheered (albeit in a feeble and exhausted sort of way).

There were just so many terrible things that it’s hard to choose.

The story of our whale watch really began back on Christmas morning, when the kids learned that their present from Dave’s parents was the promise of a whale watch when we got to the Cape. We were all very excited. The older kids went on a whale watch out of Santa Cruz a few years ago, but Dave and I had stayed behind with tiny Abe for that one.

A series of events that, in retrospect, appear to have been the universe’s attempt to send us a message, almost kept us from making it to the whale watch. First the kennel where we were planning to board the dogs was full. But we found another one. Then we had the wrong address and nearly missed the boat.

But we made it! They were handing out dramamine as we boarded the boat. It was packed completely full, and we weren’t able to find seats together, so we (our six, Dave’s parents, and his sister, Amy’s, family of four) were spread out all over the boat. The kids, Dave and I, and Nana were all on the top deck, in the very front row near where the naturalist had her whale posters all ready to tell us about all the whales we might see. Here is one of two pictures I have from the whale watch:

We knew the day was a little windy; the naturalist warned us that things might be a little choppy…but really it seemed like a pretty ordinary day. Blue skies! But as soon as the boat left the dock the ride was unpleasant, and it only got worse as it went along. Within half an hour or so, Milo and Dave were both feeling very ill. The boat never stopped rocking dramatically. Around the time Milo and Dave’s misery was setting in, the first giant wave hit and soaked everyone on the top deck. It was a warm day (on land), and we had all brought along one lightweight and utterly inadequate jacket.

Let me say that I am not the biggest fan of…transportation. Cars make me nervous, any time I get on a plane I assume my chance of survival is 50% at best, and boats…well, boats are also not my favorite. So if I were the only one that felt a little miserable on the whale watch, I would think, “ah, well! I guess whale watches aren’t for me!”

But there were no happy people on this boat.

The boat was rocking so much that Abe was coming up off of his seat, and Dave’s mom was worried he was going to end up in the ocean. Also he was soaked and his teeth were chattering, so I left the rest of my family to their seasickness bags and took him downstairs and inside. We were not the first people who had this idea; the whole place was completely packed with people trying to get dry and warm. I managed to snag a place on a bench for Abe and a tiny patch of floor behind it for me to stand. And there I stood for the next three awful hours.

The boat rocked back and forth violently and relentlessly. Forward motion wasn’t any better, as it crashed down over and over again. And every once in awhile the naturalist would come on the loudspeaker, either to sternly warn everyone to sit down (as if there was anywhere to sit) or to tell us that they’d gotten word that there was a whale nearby and we were going to try to go find it. And then, finally, at one point, she announced that a couple of whales had been spotted! I squinted over the heads of some vomiting passengers and could make out some dark, whale-like shapes in the distance. Sort of.

photo courtesy of Craig Ulmer

A woman next to me was trying to keep both herself and her ten year old twins upright this whole time. Another woman helpfully told the terrified kids that they shouldn’t let this trip sour them on oceangoing because, “I’ve been on hundreds of boats, and I’ve never been through anything as bad as this!” I thought that maybe this wasn’t the best thing to say when we were still a good hour or more away from docking: “THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL BOAT BEHAVIOR!”

A lucky crew member’s entire job was to run back and forth handing out seasickness bags and cleaning up when she didn’t distribute them in time.

Meanwhile, this is what I had left behind on the upper deck:

Except not really, because that picture’s from when I was still up there and everyone could still stay upright. Everyone in our party except me and Abe was outside the whole time, several of us stayed very sick the whole time (one thing I learned from this experience is that I don’t get seasick ever, apparently! Yay me!) And everyone got completely soaked over and over again as the boat crashed up and down. For hours.

And yet they had it better than some people. Like the people who they saw fall and hit their heads. Or whoever it was that needed the life preserver in the back of the boat (we never found out the story with that. Presumably we would have heard if someone actually went overboard. Maybe they wanted to use it as a head rest for someone else who fell down?)

I should say at this point that the whale watch company we chose has really excellent reviews online. Nearly everyone who goes on this whale watch loves it, has a great time, and actually sees whales. I fully understand that our whale watch was an anomaly. But that didn’t make it any less miserable, and I also think they should have canceled for the day when they realized how far from ideal the weather would be (we found out only after we got home that there had been a small craft advisory that day). And, short of that, they should have turned around a lot earlier. But they have that whole thing where they guarantee you’ll see whales and doggedly kept going until they could say we saw a whale so they wouldn’t have to give refunds. It’s pretty clear the decision to go out and stay out that day was all about money and not about giving people a good whale watch experience. Which kind of backfired on them, because Dave’s dad managed to get a refund the next day. They really wanted to offer us all ANOTHER whale watch instead. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But with much patience and perseverance, a refund was obtained.

But back to hell. They FINALLY announced that we were going home and everyone cheered, and there was still a very long ride back to deal with, and a lot of time where it sure looked like we weren’t getting any closer, as they cut back and forth trying, I assume, to find a less terrifying path through the waves. And a lot of thoughts running through my head that it was going to be too rough to dock and we’d be stuck out there FOREVER. But we made it!

And getting off of the boat was one of the happiest moments of my life, so that was something.

From here on out, I’m happy to report, the trip was mostly all lovely. Maybe someday we’ll try a whale watch again. Or maybe not.

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